Result, God, and Nothing.

Hey guys, its been a pretty busy week. The results were just announced some days back and boy, i've never seen such gloomy faces in my life. Obviously, the results this time, as always, were pathetic to say the least. Although there were many people with the elite "ALL CLEAR" badge. It was pretty frustrating to see my result. Speaking of which i recall the crazy and outrightly superstitious things to make sure i pass out with flying colours.
To start off, i'm agnostic, i.e, i don't believe in existence or non-existence of god. After exams, i was pretty apprehensive but positive nonetheless about the result. I suddenly developed love for god and started runnin off to every freakin temple that i could afford to go to. It all started with a trip to siddhivinayak temple at prabhadevi. For the first time i was so excited to visit a temple. When i got there, i asked god from the bottom of my heart to pass me out in all subjects. This was really something that i wanted and was definitely possible with the kind of replies i gave. I was very sure that i would pass. I promised god that i would donate him 11 nariyals if he grants me my wish.
The next trip was to shirdi. Yes, it was a pretty funny trip btw. We were in the bus and suddenly at night an uncle started yellin " Mujhe pishaab karna hai gaadi rok jaldi ". The cleaner asked him to wait for 10 mins as a stop was scheduled then. But this guy's bladder was about to burst i guess. He offered the cleaner 50 bucks and got down. Man! 50 bucks for a piss. Interesting. We got there on time and headed to the temple after some refreshments. I asked god again. The same thing, with the same passion. I wanted this badly. Very very badly. We got back the next day and i visited all the temples in my locality, prayed everyday. This was something very precious for me. I never asked anyone for somethin with all my heart. This was probably one of the rare occasions when i wanted something so desperately.
The day arrived. I got a call from my friend that the result was declared. I was pretty relaxed. I went to my classes, after which ran off to a local cyber-cafe with a lot of different emotions. I was accompanied by a frnd. I checked his result first. It said, "CONGRATULATIONS, you have passed."
Then i typed in my seat no. with sweat dripping down my forehead. I prayed again with all the force i had in my heart. I wanted it man, i just wanted it no matter what. I typed my seat no. Pressed Enter. FLASH!
It read. " YOU HAVE FAILED "
It was a jolt. My heartbeat literally stopped for a second. How could it be. What did i do wrong? I worked so hard but yet, I fuckin failed for the first time in my life.
The next mornin at college it was a black day for most of us as we got the detailed result. As i entered the premises i met people with 4 kt's 3kt's and also some with no kt's . It was very horrific. I was expecting shit. I checked the result and i found i had flunked in one subject- CP1.
It was surprising considering the kind of paper i had written.
I probably lost all my hope that day. All my trust in god. All my faith in luck. There's no god, there's noone to help you. It just the way it is. Its fucked up, hopeless and full of shit. I probably feel suicidal looking at the things that happen all the time. Why can't i get a smile? Why can't i feel successful? Why can't it be normal?
I guess i can't answer these questions. But what i can do is go and study.
Cya.